_ | \ | \ | | \ __ | |\ \ __ _____________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ _____________ | ___________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ ___________ | | | _/_/_____ | | > > _/_/_____ | | | | /________/ | | / / /________/ | | | | | | / / | | | | | |/ / | | | | | | / | | | | | / | | | | |_/ | | | | | | | | c o m m u n i c a t i o n s | | | |________________________________________________________________| | |____________________________________________________________________| ...presents... Happyland Cell Block 90210 by G. Allen Perry 01/01/1997-#330 __//////\ -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc- /\\\\\\__ Est. 1984 \\\\\\/ xXx BOW to the COW xXx \////// Est. 1984 __ _ _ __ _ _ __ _ _ __ _ _ __ |__heal_the_sick__raise_the_dead__cleanse_the_lepers__cast_out_demons__| One of the other inmates tried to escape today. I found his method less than inspiring. Many have tried to escape since my original capture, but only one has succeeded. It was not much of an escape, though. A young Chinese man admitted to a murder he committed and gave details that only the killer would know, so that he would be turned over to the police and extradited back to California. He apparently found prison superior to his confinement in this facility. The inmate who tried to escape today was far less clever. He jumped over the back of the bench he had been sitting on and ran out the back door. He did this during one of the spasmodic arm-jerking sessions which inevitably lead to the singing of stupid children's songs so common here. Immediately after his exit, seventy-five percent of the room quickly followed him out the back door. I first thought it was a mass escape, but quickly came to my senses when I found myself once again lying on my back on the floor, staring up at the six large inmates holding me down spread-eagle. As the small glimmer of hope slowly left my mind, my body went limp and I was taken back to my seat on the bench, where I was encouraged to sing more songs and "smile Goddamnit, smile" because "you better start convincing me how happy you are, you worthless piece of shit cum-bubble, or else I'm gonna send you home with John and give him the biggest Coke bottle I can find to service you with." I quickly began smiling and for the first time since my arrival, began spasmodically jerking my arms back and forth. Like most of the lifers at this place. Soon the rest of the inmates returned carrying the escapee, kicking and screaming all the way back to his spot on the benches. He was held down for the rest of the day, but continued to scream repeatedly "Caldelau!!! Caldelau!!! Caldelau!!!" I found this behavior odd, yet entertaining, in a "see the animal boy, born human, but raised by wolves" sideshow freak kind of way. This was the first person I had seen reduced in utter frustration to screaming gibberish. This went on for hours. When I could take it no more, I looked at the person next to me and asked, "What is he screaming?" I was sternly reprimanded for the better part of an hour and then made to stand up so that each of the other inmates could "lovingly, yet directly, share their feelings of hurt and disappointment with me for speaking out of turn." He wouldn't stop. He kept droning on, "Caldelau!!! Caldelau!!! Caldelau!!!" in the most hideously high-pitched male voice anyone could ever devise. Someone finally told me that the attempted escapee was actually saying "Call the law." I felt like laughing, but didn't even smile. This would only lead to more "loving and caring sharing of emotions and feelings" in response to my perceived mocking insensitivity. And so it goes. .-. _ _ .-. / \ .-. ((___)) .-. / \ /.ooM \ / \ .-. [ x x ] .-. / \ /.ooM \ -/-------\-------/-----\-----/---\--\ /--/---\-----/-----\-------/-------\- /lucky 13\ / \ / `-(' ')-' \ / \ /lucky 13\ \ / `-' (U) `-' \ / `-' the original e-zine `-' _ Oooo eastside-westside / ) __ /)(\ ( \ WORLDWIDE / ( / \ \__/ ) / Copyright (c) 1997 cDc communications and the author. \ ) \)(/ (_/ Award-winning CULT OF THE DEAD COW is a trademark of oooO cDc communications, PO Box 53011, Lubbock, TX, 79453, USA. _ oooO All rights reserved. Edited by Swamp Ratte'. __ ( \ / ) /)(\ / \ ) \ \ ( \__/ Save yourself! Go outside! Do something! \)(/ ( / \_) "THE COW WALKS AMONGST US" Oooo